| sleeping in the train yard. |
[May. 17th, 2008|04:51 pm] |
before i say anything, this life story, this summing things up sorta entry, i want to say keep in mind that the only reward of suffering is expierence, and what does not kill us only makes us stronger.
it's been three months if we celebrated anniverseries, but we don't, just not yet. i want to begin by saying you met me at a very strange time in my life, zach. i don't know where i'd be without you. it's a funny thing, february 12th my life truly started. as usual, i was just surviving, just scraping by, day by day, moment by moment, pill by pill, thrill by thrill. i remember sitting in my room or anyone elses' house that would let me crash wondering, just wondering what tomorrow would be, because i thought if i mapped everything out, if i had a plan it'd be okay. my plans were always simply breathing, and waiting. i'm really not sure what i'd been waiting for. what this " pause " in my life was, until i met you. at times i really thought, chloe this is it for you. but i met that person, and i have never been so secure in it. maybe that's why sometimes i second guess it, and even myself. for now, i am working on my insecurities.
zach is absolutely beautiful in every single way, i swear. he's got the prettiest eyes, and the most beautiful personality. he truly shines in all my neon mess of a galaxy, and he is more than anything a breath of fresh air. he is everything i am, the positivety i carry. but he is NOT the negativity i hold, and so ofcourse that makes him all the sexier. we haven't been together too long, compared to the extremely lengthy pointless/hopeless relationships i have had, but this is it. this is all i could ever want, and if you're reading this? i love you. i couldn't be happier or more excited for the future, you are the air i breathe, and it is simple as that. i still remember that first night, pulp fiction on in the other room and an endless discussion about comic books and who was shitty to us in our past. i've never felt like i belong anywhere else but with you, and i am incredibly happy with that. you keep me in check, you make me feel beautiful, you make me feel complete. and it's not just feelings, in those moments at our best on the verge of orgasming, my back arching and we're exchanging heavy breaths in conversation? that's where it hits me, all over again. you are my happy ending, zachary mcdermott. we are the fairy tale.
the road to hell is paved with good rejection letters
so, if you were a long time reader of my GJ cuntsnot, you probably are curious where i'm at or what i'm doing. it's been exactly 2 years since i made a real entry in that journal and since GJ is down i can't post in it, which saddens me beyond all reasoning. i had alot of memories in there that i didn't want to lose just yet, but i suppose these things happen. anyway, i am in IL. working with jon, it's going shitty and smooth all at the same time, it has it's perks but it has far more down falls, but i am hoping to return to the 9THREE7, before the end of this month, and i'm remaning positive no matter what. i am persuing a career in tattooing and piercing but since getting my GED last year, college has truly become an option. over all, more than anything i want to be a pre school teacher. i believe blowing noses, coloring in coloring books with someone other than sam, and passing out juice boxes is the path in life i'm going to take. maybe it's always been there, maybe not, but this is what i want. i wanna put holes in your mom's face and teach your kid how to count to ten. for now, i am making more money than anyone needs and doing far more drugs than anyone should, which ofcourse high lights on where i am in the drug scene. i don't rave anymore and vowed not to, not until i get home anyway. i don't really trust people and for the first time in a very long time i care about whose dick is in me. but i do use still, mostly speed. downers aren't really an option too much anymore, it seems like i'm always awake. 24 hour chloe, but when i crash, i crash. i still have rapid cycling bi polar disorder that is not well controlled but zach makes everything better, i feel calm. i feel okay, and i don't feel as crazy as others have told me that i am. i am looking to quit all together when i get home, lots of out patient rehab and therapy, and lots of positive people, especially my husband. the people? barry and i are still close, and as many people probably assume we've gotten back together we haven't and we do not plan to. my heart lies with one very special zachary, although barry brought me through hell and back, so i have alot of thanking to do. he still calls me babydoll, and as far as i'm concerned i will never be chloe to him, just babydoll because of my wide blue eyes and bleach blond hair. sam is still sam, she's still constantly getting in trouble for silly things but she's calmed down alot. sadly, macie is in foster care, but sam will be getting her back this summer. sam is pursuing modeling again, and i couldn't be happier for her. jason isn't worth mentioning, but i will say that i have finally cut him from my life completely, and i am comfortable with that. i never find myself missing him, and i don't really know how to express how proud of myself i truly am. and well, to sum this up? i love everyone i haven't mentioned, i've been so consumed by " work ", i don't know how any of you are. but i wish you well, and as for me i'll still be walking down your streets brass knuckles on one hand, stilletos carried in the other.
goodbye and good luck.
you all have a very special spot in my heart. |
|
|
sick